I'm back!

First off, sorry i was MIA for so long.
Secondly- things are much better. Much Much better. I took your advice and had a sit down, all out talk with my fiance. I told him what I'm afraid of, concerning money, baby mama, etc, etc. He's very good at calming me down.
But it was actually his mom who helped me out the most. She and I have a very good relationship and pretty much she told me to Suck it up, let him know, and fix the problem- she's really good at giving a swift kick in the ass.
So things have been better, baby mama went to colorado again for another 10 days, which helps me bond with baby. she and I had a great time, but the last night we had her- baby had a meltdown, and I was the only one home with her, and I couldn't console her. Nothing I did made her feel better, and she was screaming for her mama. screaming, for an hour and a half. all she wanted to do was be held. It made me sad. When hubby finally got home, I was telling him about it and I started to tear up. I told him I couldn't make her feel better, and I felt bad about it. I ended up bribing her with princess fruit snacks- and she calmed down after a while.
So as I'm telling him how I couldn't calm her down, and how she missed her mom so much, she runs into the room and shouts- My Ana mommy! okay?
Generally she calls me just "Ana"- not Ana Mommy.. and I broke down, but this time from happiness.

My oh my

I had a complete meltdown last night.
Complete total meltdown.. I did the "ugly cry"After we were so happily painting our bathroom that is being renovated, we took out our book "1001 conversations to have before you are married."
We had been having intimate conversations, and when going to bed, I just lost it. Yes, my period is coming, but I swear that isn't it. I pretty much just tell him that i feel like i don't have a voice, and I don't know my role as a stepmom. He asks what he can do..
Truthfully I don't know.. It's just this emotional rollercoaster.
he asks if i have joined any online groups..
haha. I tell him I'm journaling.
he tells me he wants specifics about whats making him cry. .
I tell him no. It's biased, you are the daddy.. You can't give me a clear opinion free of judgement.

But afdter some prodding, I finally I confess..It's everything, It's planning a wedding, dealing with Babymomma, it's renovating our house, it's sleeping on the couch, it's 530 am wake up calls with a screaming 2year old, it's my dog barking at his own reflection every 2 minutes, it's my new job, it's my good friend going through a divorce, it's fear, and procrastination and feeling fat.
but really, all that comes out is...
She doesn't have to love me, I have to convince her to. She has to love you.
He interrupts and tells me kids don't have to love their parents- just ask babymomma- she hates her drug addict parents.
i tell him nevermind, that's what I'm talking about. turn over and cry.
He tells me he doesn't know what I want him to do.

Listen. Just listen, you don't even have to understand- you really shouldn't try to fix it. You just need to listen, and love me, and tell me I'll be great- and that I'm an awesome stepmom.. but I don't tell him that.
Instead I pretend to sleep until my eyes get so swollen that they shut on their own.

I found my dress!

After much searching, debating, and crying I found my PERFECT dress! I would post a pic- but I'm afraid Hubs will see, and my surprise will be ruined- But let me tell you- it's beautiful and very similiar to the dress I showed earlier. I'm in love with it!
We have the baby right now.. and for 9 more days while baby mama is out of the state- it's really nice to be able to get her into a routine- since the terrible two's are a daily reminder. She has started this new thing- where she will get in trouble by her dad- then look at me and say "No Ana- my daddy!" and then shout/whine/cry/ in my general direction while telling me "you no tell me no!" All i did was look at her!
What am I supposed to do? I've been so proud of hubs- he's been holding strong and not caving in- but truthfully- this 2 year old can really hurt my feelings!
I made an observation yesterday- she usually tantrums when there are more than 2 people around- when it's just her and I- she's fine- she and daddy- fine- but both of us together- she can be a handful. I think she just wants attention.
Please let 3 come as soon as possible!!

Wedding Dress

I fly out today to my parents house in Cali for my wedding dress shopping extravaganza!

I'm so excited. Poor Hubs tho, Babymama is in Colorado visiting her BF, and we have the baby for 10days, So Hubs is home with the dog, baby, contractors because of the home renovation, and no help. His parents are in Wyoming on a trip too, and our roomate - my bridesmaid- is coming with me. He'll be all alone :( but at least busy, so he'll be out of trouble :)

I'm in LOVE with this dress. It'll be perfect for our RockyPoint wedding.

Wish me luck Ladies!

i need some blogosphere friends!

That is all! I'm really addicted to seeing other Stepmom's blogs! It's so nice knowing I'm not all alone in this! None of my friends understand what I'm going through, and sometimes I don't feel like I have a place to talk about it- even though my Hubs is really supportive- some stuff I feel like I need to deal with myself..
ANyways- thanks for writing all those blogs- I really relate to them!

So we talked..

Finally I let it all out last night.. in a very calm a rational way- which is much harder to do than it sounds.
We were eating sandwiches wheni blurt out...
Me: Do you think it's innappropriate to have BM at Thanksgiving?
H:Why?
Me:Well, it's our first thanksgiving and it's my family and your family- don't you think it might be weird?
H:Well, I never thought it was weird before- will your family think it's weird.
Me: No, they will be okay.. I think it's weird..
And so I go on about how I felt like he was putting her feelings in front of mine, and if the tables were turned he would want to be informed of things like this- not just have me decide them without talking to him first. Then I told him If we are doing this- starting this life together- i need to know these things, because it's not just you anymore, it's me too, and i need to be the one involved in decision making too. It's not even that I don't want her to come, I was more upset about the lack of communicating. Like him hiring her.
So... after only two tears creeping out of my eyes, he told me he was sorry, and that I'm such an easy going person, that he hadn't thought about talking to me about it. He told me he would def keep me involved when things like this came up, and that he didn't mean to hurt me but he def sees my point 100%.


He's great.. a little lost sometimes.. but great.

Our little talk.. and the relationship with the BM..

Truthfully, I can't complain about the BM. We have a pretty good relationship, she texts me, we go to Peter Piper Pizza together, I drop off the baby at her house. It's not bad. Actually I'm very lucky. But with that positive relationship comes the fact that she is involved in our lives.. alot.
Not in a bad way, she's just always there. For instance, our first family Thanksgiving is this year at our house. I'm from California, living in AZ, so my people are traveling to our home along with my sisters BF and his family. [his fam lives in AZ too] Hubby's fam lives here and they are heading over as well. It'll be the first big family get together before the wedding in April. we were walking through the backyard figuring out how many tables we'll need- Arizonans have Tday in their backyard because it's still 70degrees in November. We're talking about how many people will come- and he mentions BM is probably coming too. Hmm.
BM is coming??
To our house??
For Thanksgiving??

This seems strange to me- but really more sad than anything else. Her family LIVES HERE. Not to mention LITERALLY 5 MINUTES WALKING from our house. 5 minutes!! Why doesn't she go to her OWN Families Thanksgiving?

Okay.,. number 2.

Hubby has always provided monetary support to BM. She's broke, it's my baby, what am I supposed to do... blah blah blah. Every opther SM has heard it before.. But.. he owns his own business, and he needed someone to do some field work for him taking pics of foreclosures, running around town, etc. etc. So he thought- instead of just have her ask for money- he hired her.
But he didn't ask me how I felt about it before- he asked me after while we were at breakfast with my friend. so it wasn't really a place to talk about it- and all i said was "It's your business"
Now.. The logical me thinks its a decent decision. The Female me says - WTF bitch- I don't want u working that close with my husband.
Which me is right?
P.S. He never asked me again. I don't want to bring it up- but should I? It's just weird.. I'm not mad, I just would have liked to have been prepped.


We went out on a date last night, we walked to a local sushi place near our house. really good, and there I told him we need to have a TEAM baby meeting about what we are going to do when she tantrums- just so we are consistent across the board. She has been getting out of hand, and at 2- I think she has figured out how to manipulate the different households. little stinker.
We have her for 10 days starting friday, because BM is flying to Colorado to visit her BF who moved there last month. We'll see if the behaviors get better in those 10days.
I however will be leaving this weekend to go wedding dress shopping with my girls and my mom. I'll be in the OC till sunday- I'm so excited!

Am I jealous of the BM?

Someone brought up this topic.. and I'm having a hard time deciding. Well. There are a couple things that make my stomach hurt, which usually means jealousy or some sort of frustration.
I'm jealous that she got to experience the birth of his first born with him. Whenever we get pregnant- very far away from now, I'm scared that he won't be as excited because he's been through it once before. My good friend is pregnant with her first baby, and it's really fun to see her husbands emotions, because it's something he's never experienced, so they are lost together. Is it going to be old news by the time we decide to have kids? I have no reason to believe that, because he is great, but it's a fear of mine.

#2 I know he loves me, he wouldn't have chosen to spend his life with me if that wasn't the case- but I'm jealous he takes care of her.
She has money problems, she works in a bar, and he has a responsibility as a dad to make sure that his child is taken care of- so he bears ALOT of the financial burden. Daycare, clothes, BM's car insurance. etc. etc. She lived in his old house for free-
all that is fine, I get it. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel about it. Am I supposed to be completely understanding? Mad?Jealous? I don't know any other women that are in this boat.. I prefer not to know all the specifics of the $$.. but I really should be aware. right?
I'm just totally confused. While i think he should do it, isn't it also enabling her? But what is he supposed to do- let her struggle knowing that his daughter is there 3x a week?
This transition sucks. It gets me really emotional, and on top of that I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it because I don't want to offend the people I'm spending the rest of my life with.
They are completely worth all these emotions, it's just kind of a bonus- you want fries with that? Well you don't have a choice- here are the fries.

Seriously?

I'm having a really hard time deciding where the boundaries are. Currently- baby is constantly tantrumming. CONSTANTLY. I don't know what to do- and the teacher [yes I am a teacher- Preschool SPED] in me puts up with no bullshit. But that can't really happen when the child involved is not your blood child, or your student. It's such a weird position to be in. The fiance is an amazing dad, amazing, but it feels sometimes like he gives in, and it's causing the tantruming to get worse.. I feel bad for hinting- because I don't want to step on anyones toes, but seriously.. soemthing needs to happen.
I love this little girl so dang much- I don't want her to grow up to be spoiled..

one month in..

He's alot more OCD than I realized. We've been living together for about a month or so. I bought a gorgeous house in central Phoenix, and we have been CRAZY working on it to get it in shape. I have never considered myself a lazy person, but I feel that way compared to his nonstop work ethic. It's different living together- we used to live 40 miles apart- so when we saw each other it was always quality time- now we have to make a purposeful night to hang out.. which is few and far between because of all this construction happening. Actually- we are sleeping on our couch while the master is being added on to. Lucky we have a nice couch.

I love this man. More than I could ever even express- he is so romantic, and successful, and loving, hard working, not to mention hot. He is completely my everything... exactly what I always wanted.

But GodDamn- take a muthafuckin break and chill sometime! Shit.
:)

{he said he only wants to get all this done so we can have our nights back. :) It'll be worth it in the end.}

Let's Break it Down

So where am I at now?? 25 year old lady.. engaged to a 28 year old man.. with a 2 year old. This blog is basically about what I'm going through during this transition in my life.. and how I'm handling going from being a crazy 20 something year old to *poof* stepmomma.
Let's take a little look at the past.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. girl goes home for the summer, and girl meets boy2, boy meets girl2. boy and girl are no more, but are friends. Boy and girl2 date, girl and boy2 date, break up.. etc.
Fast Forward 6 years through boy3, boy4, girl3, girl4..and baby1. boy and girl are still friends.
Boy and girl fall in love. Girl falls in love with baby1, and boy.
Boy and Girl get engaged.

Current Novel: Boy, baby and Girl Move in together.

Next Book: Boy and Girl get married.