My oh my

I had a complete meltdown last night.
Complete total meltdown.. I did the "ugly cry"After we were so happily painting our bathroom that is being renovated, we took out our book "1001 conversations to have before you are married."
We had been having intimate conversations, and when going to bed, I just lost it. Yes, my period is coming, but I swear that isn't it. I pretty much just tell him that i feel like i don't have a voice, and I don't know my role as a stepmom. He asks what he can do..
Truthfully I don't know.. It's just this emotional rollercoaster.
he asks if i have joined any online groups..
haha. I tell him I'm journaling.
he tells me he wants specifics about whats making him cry. .
I tell him no. It's biased, you are the daddy.. You can't give me a clear opinion free of judgement.

But afdter some prodding, I finally I confess..It's everything, It's planning a wedding, dealing with Babymomma, it's renovating our house, it's sleeping on the couch, it's 530 am wake up calls with a screaming 2year old, it's my dog barking at his own reflection every 2 minutes, it's my new job, it's my good friend going through a divorce, it's fear, and procrastination and feeling fat.
but really, all that comes out is...
She doesn't have to love me, I have to convince her to. She has to love you.
He interrupts and tells me kids don't have to love their parents- just ask babymomma- she hates her drug addict parents.
i tell him nevermind, that's what I'm talking about. turn over and cry.
He tells me he doesn't know what I want him to do.

Listen. Just listen, you don't even have to understand- you really shouldn't try to fix it. You just need to listen, and love me, and tell me I'll be great- and that I'm an awesome stepmom.. but I don't tell him that.
Instead I pretend to sleep until my eyes get so swollen that they shut on their own.

I found my dress!

After much searching, debating, and crying I found my PERFECT dress! I would post a pic- but I'm afraid Hubs will see, and my surprise will be ruined- But let me tell you- it's beautiful and very similiar to the dress I showed earlier. I'm in love with it!
We have the baby right now.. and for 9 more days while baby mama is out of the state- it's really nice to be able to get her into a routine- since the terrible two's are a daily reminder. She has started this new thing- where she will get in trouble by her dad- then look at me and say "No Ana- my daddy!" and then shout/whine/cry/ in my general direction while telling me "you no tell me no!" All i did was look at her!
What am I supposed to do? I've been so proud of hubs- he's been holding strong and not caving in- but truthfully- this 2 year old can really hurt my feelings!
I made an observation yesterday- she usually tantrums when there are more than 2 people around- when it's just her and I- she's fine- she and daddy- fine- but both of us together- she can be a handful. I think she just wants attention.
Please let 3 come as soon as possible!!