I had a complete meltdown last night.
Complete total meltdown.. I did the "ugly cry"After we were so happily painting our bathroom that is being renovated, we took out our book "1001 conversations to have before you are married."
We had been having intimate conversations, and when going to bed, I just lost it. Yes, my period is coming, but I swear that isn't it. I pretty much just tell him that i feel like i don't have a voice, and I don't know my role as a stepmom. He asks what he can do..
Truthfully I don't know.. It's just this emotional rollercoaster.
he asks if i have joined any online groups..
haha. I tell him I'm journaling.
he tells me he wants specifics about whats making him cry. .
I tell him no. It's biased, you are the daddy.. You can't give me a clear opinion free of judgement.
But afdter some prodding, I finally I confess..It's everything, It's planning a wedding, dealing with Babymomma, it's renovating our house, it's sleeping on the couch, it's 530 am wake up calls with a screaming 2year old, it's my dog barking at his own reflection every 2 minutes, it's my new job, it's my good friend going through a divorce, it's fear, and procrastination and feeling fat.
but really, all that comes out is...
She doesn't have to love me, I have to convince her to. She has to love you.
He interrupts and tells me kids don't have to love their parents- just ask babymomma- she hates her drug addict parents.
i tell him nevermind, that's what I'm talking about. turn over and cry.
He tells me he doesn't know what I want him to do.
Listen. Just listen, you don't even have to understand- you really shouldn't try to fix it. You just need to listen, and love me, and tell me I'll be great- and that I'm an awesome stepmom.. but I don't tell him that.
Instead I pretend to sleep until my eyes get so swollen that they shut on their own.
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:( Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAt least when the baby is old enough to choose to love you, you will be so blessed.
For perspective, a quote by Angela Springstead-Lyon:
"These children make a choice to love us, not because they have to but because they develop a special relationship with us and fall in love, we're NOT an egg donor that they are forced to love out of biology or guilt... we're much luckier to have the love of these children than if we were the BM....they have to love her, ... feel sorry for her, engage in her victim role, be afraid of her reactions, hide fun things from her because she "gets mad", they can't even call from her house because "she asks too many questions" when they ask to call us.....who wants to be THAT person???? I'm great with being "just a stepmom"
I love this quote and I often re-read it on the toughest of days.
Hang in there!
EWO is right. She will love you because you will be there - listening, helping, teaching, and playing with her for years to come. You ARE an amazing stepmom. Just believe in yourself, and she will too.
ReplyDeleteOh I hear ya!!!! I totally get where you are coming from. This gig can be so crap sometimes. But don't hold it in. Tell him. Tell him and tell him and tell him until you're blue in the face. It will eventually sink in and he will understand. And once you know your h2b understands you and is on your side, it becomes a WHOLE lot easier.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing an amazing job of keeping a lot of balls in the air!! No wonder you are stressed, tearful and down. Go easy on yourself and try and make some time for you.
And yes, like the others say, your SD doesn't have to love you but she does. Go easy on the "trying to convince her to love you" part. And just have faith that she does love you. Kids don't show always show it the same way adults do. I loved my parents but treated them dreadfully sometimes!
Big hugs. Get a good nights sleep tonight. xxxx
Definitely don't hold it in. I'm not this decades long stepmom professional, but I've been at it a few years now and it does get a bit better. I still have my ugly, puffy, tear streaked face moments, but hey're nowhere near as frequent as they used to be. I don't know if the situation actually changes or if we just get better at dealing with it or a little of both, but whatever...it gets better. You have to define the role you have and want to have in the future and then be comfortable with it! Don't let anyone make you feel badly about yourself! I feel for you........
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You nailed it...."she doesn't have to love me."
ReplyDeleteYou will get there, I swear. Through love and acceptance and patience - it will all be okay. It has to be okay....right?
My youngest stepson was 3 when we got married. In the beginning I felt I was in a race and everyone else got a head start. After a few years of trying so hard to make up for lost time I realized this is not a sprint but a marathon. What does a few years matter in a lifetime?
ReplyDeleteThings will get better and it's worth it.
Just remember SD is just as unsure of you as you are of her. You don't have to love her either right?
Hang in there! I've had those meltdowns and felt like I really didn't belong. It's been 2 years and things are starting to fall more into place. Pretend Mommy is right...the kids are just as unsure about us. They know that we aren't biologically required to love them or be there for them...it's all in our actions. Be stong, and keep being the great stepmom that you are and it will be rewarded!! Always talk to your fiance about how you feel. Although my fiance doesn't always want to hear about it, it's given him a better perspective to understand where I'm coming from and what upsets me. He is the one that can help things go smoother with the kids. When all else fails...we are all here for you! :)
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